Classic Cars For Satire: Why Donald Trump is an Austin Allegro

In many ways it seems harsh to compare Donald Trump to the Austin Allegro, as the Allegro hasn’t really done anything wrong, but there are some striking similarities between British Leyland’s unloved misfire and the new President of the United States of America.

Words: James Barnett
Pictures courtesy of The Mirror/CCFS

Gurning-Trump-Allegro.png

Don’t take this the wrong way  – there is plenty about the Austin Allegro to love and we all root for the quintessential underdog – but – like an incontinent, aged Pug with no control over its bladder, there are enough leakages from the colander-esque underside to start a rival Wikileaks campaign. And it’s the dog-like comparisons where we kick off.

The Allegro looks like a gurning Labrador that has suffered from the vet’s finger having explored a route it shouldn’t go, whereas Trump in ‘smug mode’ wears the same look as an Afghan hound omits having ‘enjoyed’ a rough checking of its temperature.

No matter what the Allegro’s enthusiasts claim, the pudding-shaped Austin can often be wildly unpredictable and engage in a weapons-based tantrum until it gets its own way - something, at least according to the American Press, we can look forward to watching during 2017’s Congress meetings.

However, it’s not all comparison. The British Leyland colour schemes (brown, orange and beige) would leave Donald Trump white-faced, despite already being the same colour as a spacehopper.

Just like an Allegro – Donald Trump also violently changes direction, whether political or physical, upon being presented with an obstacle. Furthermore – much like the panels on an Allegro – Mr Trump has a number of monumental gaps in his political ideals, big enough to allow his beloved immigrants through.

But is it fair – is it fair I ask you – to be quite so harsh on this BL car – reviled by many and loved by… Calum (and members of the Quartic club)?

No – in the same way that it’s probably unfair that we are comparing the president of the free world to an incontinent, gurning, bumbling dog suffering a rectal exam. The Allegro was rather forward thinking, what with it’s hydragas suspension and cruising ability - whereas The Donald has displayed a view through public speaking and in-depth interviews cementing that his political correctness lies firmly in the 1970s - when the Allegro was being made.

Countless debauched things have been said about the Allegro – various slanders have been quoted about Donald Trump too, but one thing we can all agree to be true; some of us love to hate and some of us hate to love an easy target in the media.

While both largely unloved, the Allegro has raised through the rankings to become one of Britain’s best sleeper classics, America’s new ‘leader’ could well prove to be a rational, level-headed success in which history shall eventually accept with a dollop of appreciation. We shall find out after Trump’s first nuclear winter. 

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